The Way I Pray Now
Journal Entry
One thing I am noticing that is changing for me as I navigate this journey is my prayers.
I grew up believing that I needed to pray at specific times, every morning, every night (both personally and with my husband and family), and before every meal.
That structure had always been part of my faith.
But, somewhere along this process… my prayers began to change.
I found myself talking to God throughout the day in ways I never had before.
Not always on my knees.
Not always in quiet, formal moments.
Prayer became less about routine… and more about relationship.
Less about checking a spiritual box… and more about an ongoing, honest connection.
It was raw. Real. Constant.
I didn’t set out to change the way I pray, but as I have navigated my faith over the past couple of years, as I’ve tried to understand how having a gay child fit into ‘the plan’, I have found myself questioning, asking, and conversing with God all throughout my day. Sometimes it’s just a quick sentence, other times it’s longer. It rarely happens on my knees, it happens when I’m walking, working, driving, running on my treadmill (even with 90’s hip hop blaring in my ears), putting on my make-up, in the middle of a conversation with a loved one, when I’m worried, when I’m grateful. Prayer has become a constant connection rather than a scheduled obligation, and that change has made it so much more meaningful… And those scheduled kneel-down prayers just felt less real, less honest, and more performative.
When I think about the people I’m closest to..especially my family..our conversations aren’t scheduled.
We talk throughout the day.
When we need support.
When we’re excited.
When we’re hurting.
When we just want to connect.
That’s how my prayers have naturally evolved.
For 49 years, I had thought about prayer in a very specific way.
So sometimes, I still wonder:
Is this new way of praying truly acceptable to God?
Am I doing this right?
But recently, I had an experience that was an answer to my questioning.
I was talking with a friend who is going through some really hard things right now.
As I walked away from our conversation, I found myself silently asking God to bless her… to comfort her… to hold her.
And in that very moment, I felt it.
A warmth.
A peace.
A quiet but undeniable reassurance.
I knew..without question..that God heard me.
Not because I was kneeling..
Not because I followed a specific formula.
But because my heart was sincere.
And that realization felt huge.
But it wasn’t just confirmation about that one prayer…
It felt like confirmation about all of them.
Every whispered plea while driving.
Every tearful treadmill prayer.
Every anxious thought turned to Him.
Every expression of gratitude.
God had been there all along.
Listening.
Receiving.
Loving.
And I realized something beautiful:
God was never asking for perfection in how I prayed.
He simply wanted me.
My real heart.
My honest questions.
My unfiltered gratitude.
My deepest fears.
Prayer is no longer something I perform.
It’s how I stay connected.
It’s no longer duty.
It’s relationship.
It’s a heart-to-heart with the God who has gently walked with me through uncertainty, growth, and transformation.
Letting go of the rigid box I once believed prayer had to fit inside has opened space for something far more beautiful than I ever imagined:
Authenticity.
Peace.
Connection.
And in many ways, this change in prayer is similar to my larger faith journey,
Less fear.
Less performance.
More honesty.
More love.
This… is Well With My Soul.
